Right, I'm about to turn 30 and am feeling the sphincteresque clutch of age tightening its grip. So let's make this short and snappy [spoiler]like me.[/spoiler]

Your stories will all be from the perspective of an object. Not a plant, not an animal, not a person, not an anthropomorphized singing candelabra. A normal, everyday(ish) object.

here's a list to help you not fuck up:

• I'll say it again: your object MUST be your protagonist and point of view character.
  
• That said, your POV can still be in first, second, or third person. You're not limited to first person.
  
• No seriously, you can't just have the object I give you simply appear in the story. Your object is the main character.
  
• Your object can't do anything a mundane object wouldn't be able to do. Again, I don't want you to anthropomorphize the object.
  
• That said, your object should still have some sort of inner life—a personality.
  
• You can have humans, animals, and (obviously) other objects in your story as long as none of the above rules are broken.
  
• If I sense that you are trying to do something ~clever~ that isn't in the spirit of the prompt I will come down on you with all the piss and vinegar of my advanced years.
  

When you sign up, I will assign you an object. If you have something you feel particularly compelled to write about, you're welcome to choose your own object. I reserve the authority to veto self-chosen objects that don't fit the spirit of the prompt.

All genres are welcome so long as you don't break the above rules. No spoiler tags, quote tags, google docs, political satire, screeds, erotica, or fanfic.