Right, I'm about to turn 30 and am feeling the sphincteresque clutch of age tightening its grip. So let's make this short and snappy [spoiler]like me.[/spoiler]

Your stories will all be from the perspective of an object. Not a plant, not an animal, not a person, not an anthropomorphized singing candelabra. A normal, everyday(ish) object. BUT DIFFERENT FROM LAST WEEK OKAY BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO ANTHROPOMORPHIZE YOUR OBJECT SO THAT IT IS ALL THE WAY A HUMAN PERSON

LIKE

IF I GIVE YOU A false door of Kha 2288-2170 BC Egyptian limestone THEN MAYBE YOUR HUMAN PERSON IS FOUR THOUSAND YEARS OLD OR COVERED IN EGYPT TATTOOS

IF I GIVE YOU A CANDLE THEN MAYBE YOUR HUMAN PERSON IS KINDA WAXY OR THEIR HAIR CATCHES ON FIRE IN THE STORY

I DON'T KNOW

I'M SURE YOU CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING COOL JUST MAKE SURE YOUR OBJECT QUALITIES ARE IMPORTANT AND/OR INTERESTING

here's a list to help you not fuck up:

• I'll say it again: your object MUST be your protagonist and point of view character. THIS IS GOOD
  
• That said, your POV can still be in first, second, or third person. You're not limited to first person. THIS IS CORRECT
  
• No seriously, you can't just have the object I give you simply appear in the story. Your object is the main character. YES
  
• Your object can't do anything a mundane object wouldn't be able to do. Again, I don't want you to anthropomorphize the object. THIS IS DIFFERENT YOUR OBJECT IS ACTUALLY A HUMAN PERSON WITH THE QUALITIES OF THE OBJECT
  
• That said, your object should still have some sort of inner life—a personality. YEAH THIS STILL MAKES SENSE I THINK
  
• You can have humans, animals, and (obviously) other objects in your story as long as none of the above rules are broken. COOL
  
• If I sense that you are trying to do something ~clever~ that isn't in the spirit of the prompt I will come down on you with all the piss and vinegar of my advanced years. I'M NOT SURE WHY I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO BE CLEVER SO YOU CAN BE CLEVER I GUESS
  

When you sign up, I will assign you an object. If you have something you feel particularly compelled to write about, you're welcome to choose your own object. I reserve the authority to veto self-chosen objects that don't fit the spirit of the prompt.

All genres are welcome so long as you don't break the above rules. No spoiler tags, quote tags, google docs, political satire, screeds, erotica, or fanfic.